Kevin Hart: LIAR!

College football’s National Signing Day has passed and the biggest victory wasn’t Alabama landing Julio Jones or Miami landing everyone else. These were big, but the true winner was every sports fan with a sense of comedic justice landing Kevin Hart. If you missed it, watch any Sportscenter for the next week or just catch the online story here.

What we have is a big shot football player at a tiny school who was vigorously recruited by major universities around the area, soon narrowing his list to Oregon and Cal. He made his dramatic decision in a packed gymnasium, using the clichéd “two hats” approach, picking the Cal hat and explaining that Jeff Tedford’s personal touch won him over in the recruiting battle. All well and good, until a slight catch was revealed in his plan. That catch? Hart made it all the fuck up.

Now, ESPN is playing the story as a side-product of the extravagant recruiting atmosphere and signing day hoopla that turns high school stars into local celebrities every February. Some accounts go so far as to very subtly imply that Kevin Hart may be a sympathetic character in all this, a kid who “just wanted to be wanted.” What we should be doing is celebrating a win for everyone who hates self-inflating liars, delusional athletes and chinstrap beards.

Anyone who went to public high school has known a Kevin Hart. Sure, he was the first to take it to this extreme, but you know the type. The cocky athlete who seemed to honestly believe he was going to play professional sports despite the fact that he was rarely one of the better players on the floor. The pathological liar who spun web after web of preposterous false-truths. The douchebag with the chinstrap beard. I mean, have you ever really liked anyone with a chinstrap beard? I haven’t. It’s the facial hair equivalent of the barbed-wire arm tattoo.

Well, he is all of these wrapped in one. And finally, that guy has been humiliated. What’s more, he’s been humiliated not just publicly, but nationally. The scope of this thing makes me think higher powers were at work. Kevin Hart has been humiliated at this enormous scale not just for Kevin Hart’s sins, but for the fibs and fantasies of every Kevin Hart in every high school and college campus across the nation. He lied for attention, out of his own arrogance, and now must deal, very publicly, with the ramifications of his idiotic attempt to construct his own legend. And, to quote Dr. Seuss, “It should be, it SHOULD be, it should be like that.”