The Greatest Bear Story Ever Told

That’s right, Winnie the Pooh, Baloo and Gentle Ben, you are nothing now. For those who haven’t heard of Voytek, please read the following news articles in their entirety. And take good notes.

Bear Memorial
Bear Story

If you don’t realize that this bear is one of the greatest creatures ever to walk the face of the earth, then life has been wasted on you. By combining the soldiering life, beer-drinking camaraderie, personification and hatred for Nazi Germany, Voytek’s true story has trumped 98% of humanity’s great works of literature. For a closer understanding of just how awesome this creature was, let’s visit the Cool Meter.

-11.0 – Child pornography

-10.9 – Scientology

-9.2 – Screech

-8.5 – Dr. Phil

-7.7 – Kitty Litter

-6.7 – The Children’s Crusade

-5.0 – Stepping in something wet with socks on

-4.7 - Lies

-4.3 – Male figure skating

-3.9 – Adult diapers

-3.5 - Crocs

-2.0 - Fat

-1.5 – Elderly

-1.1 – Motivational speakers

-1.0 – Being dead

-0.2 – Keds

0.0 – Encyclopedia Brown

0.1 - Congress

0.3 – Chapstick

0.8 – Funny socks

1.0 – Tripping, catching yourself and playing it off

1.3 – Taking a bite out of crime

1.4 – Declaration of Independence

1.6 – Junior novelizations

1.9 – Jock Jams

2.0 – Being referenced by Chuck Klosterman

2.1 – American

2.3 – LA Lights

2.5 – Backflips

2.7 – The Bo Diddley Beat

2.9 – Not lovin’ police

3.0 - Nickname

3.1 – Driving fast

3.4 – The 1980s

3.5 - Crocodiles

3.6 – Left school

3.7 – Lurk late

3.8 – Strike straight

3.9 – Kool and the Gang

4.0 – Slam dunk

4.2 – Cowboy hat

4.3 – Sunglasses

4.4 – Aviators

4.6 – American Gladiators (Original)

4.7 – Cucumber

4.9 – Breakin’ the law

5.2 - LL Cool J

5.3 – Starter jacket

5.5 – Leather jacket

5.6 – Members Only jacket

5.9 – Name begins with V or ends with X

6.1 – Smoking cigarettes

6.5 - Drinking beer

6.6 - Coolio

6.7 – The Children’s Crusade

7.0 – Drinking free beer

7.1 – Fucked around and got a triple-double

7.2 – Non-traditional weaponry

7.4 - Mustache

7.9 - Hulkamania

8.0 – The Godfather

8.1 – Rock n’ roll

8.2 – Hip-hop

8.3 – Doo-wop

8.4 – Jazz

8.5 – Bear

8.8 – No last name

9.0 – Disrespecting authority

9.1 – Movie Star

9.3 – Sports Star

9.6 – Rock Star

9.9 – Lucid dreaming

10.0 –War hero

10.2 – Theme from Shaft

10.5 – Killing Nazis

10.7 – Going out in a blaze of glory

10.8 – Dinosaurs

11.0 – Fonzie

Voytek's composite score comes to a 75. To put that in perspective, Burt Reynolds’s total comes to 73.5. That’s something to think about. For now, we should all revel in this bear's glory, and understand that Voytek spending his dying years in a Scottish zoo is the greatest tragedy to befall a war hero since everything that happened to John Rambo before and during First Blood. However, wrongs are being righted now, as he will soon be immortalized in statue form and an inevitable Hollywood blockbuster starring Russell Crowe as his Polish Army Bear-Mother. This film will be revered as the greatest animal war movie ever made until the eventual release of Air Bud: Das Pooch.