This Month in Irrational Hate

I’m generally a pretty easygoing person, but there are still some things that piss me off. Since the holidays are approaching, I’ve decided to purge myself of this anger. So, in the spirit of the season, here are some explanations for my irrational hatred.

Cover bands that tour

Most famous bands started out playing covers. By that logic, cover bands have decided to never progress musically. If creativity is the driving force behind art, these unoriginal fucks are stick figures of the musical world. Who even supports cover bands? It’s like responding to a craving for filet mignon by hitting up the McDonald’s drive-thru.

If their inability to produce their own music, style or appearance isn’t enough to prove their complete lack of creativity, their tragically awful band names are all the evidence you need. Most of them go the boringly descriptive route by adding Cover Band to the name of the group they’re aping. Sorry, but the Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers Cover Band just doesn’t light up the marquee. Alternately, they’ll use a song title or famous lyric of the group in question, a la Who’s Bad? Of course, they then have to add the descriptor in parenthesis (Michael Jackson cover band) or people might be tricked by the premise of seeing a group that has actually written a song. As a last resort, they’ll come up with some vague reference to the band’s history or historiography, like Zoso (the Led Zeppelin cover band).

It says something when the best compliment a cover band can possibly get is that they were a lot like a much more popular group. “Man, they nailed Welcome to the Jungle.” Hey, that’s great bro. I bet your roommate will let me watch him 95% it on Guitar Hero for free, and I’d technically be a lot closer to seeing the real Slash.

From what I understand, a lot of people go see cover bands of classic groups because they will never get to see their favorite band in concert. Well, guess what – you still never will. I can hang out with a crack-addled hobo for 3 hours, but that doesn’t mean I’ve met the real Jesus. Even if I could suspend disbelief enough to pretend I was actually seeing a live Black Sabbath show, I refuse to support a group of adults whose life’s goal is achieving abject mediocrity by leeching off someone else’s success.

Photos of your dog

No I don’t hate animals. In fact, I have a dog. I love my dog. I take pictures of my dog. What I don’t do is create a Facebook photo album about my dog, or store them in my digital camera so that I can show every one of my friends seven different pictures of her. Pets mean a lot to you. They mean a lot to only you. No one wants to see 10 different angles of you holding little Albert, or Daisy blurrily chasing a tennis ball.

When I was little, my cat climbed into a watering can at a family party, and every gathered around and took pictures. I showed that picture to my friends. Why? Because it was incredibly cute. It was a kitten in a watering can. Cute animal pictures are great, and I encourage them to be shared. But 95% of the time, pet pictures aren’t cute. They are boring, and the person viewing them has no emotional attachment whatsoever. If I want to know what your new Jack Russell terrier looks like, I’ll google “Jack Russell terrier puppy.” I think that’ll give me a pretty clear idea

At least with baby pictures, people have the excuse that they spawned the tiny human through a physical act. All you did was pay a sum of money. I might as well show you pictures of my home theatre setup, it probably cost more. If your pet photo isn’t cute enough to be on a calendar, keep it on the fridge.

People that don’t own televisions

Look, if you don’t watch TV, that’s fine by me. I agree that the vast majority of TV Land is mindless drivel and Nair infomercials. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned in the past five years of breakout discussion sections, it’s that people who don’t own a TV love letting everyone know they don’t own a TV.

This Onion article sums it up pretty well. Not owning a TV is one thing, but almost everyone that doesn’t own a TV turns it into their favorite conversation piece, whereupon they smugly imply that they are above pop culture, while you are a mindless pawn conforming to the commercial hegemony. These are the kind of people that get off on name-dropping Descartes and make sure not to like any bands you’ve ever heard of. They love to patronize you by asking you to explain any show you accidentally mention, ‘cause they’ve never seen it. They read, you uncultured schmuck.

God forbid anyone ask why they don’t have a TV. The most elite of them will shoot you some lines about how they decided it was a detriment to society and they had better things to do with their time, Congratulations, asshole. How much better is your life now? I guess those Amish must be really living the high life, they don’t even have electricity. Why don’t you move to a Renaissance Fair if you’re that turned off by the luxuries of the modern world? Everyone knows the real reason is that you couldn’t afford cable and you just got used to not having one.

Otherwise, they play the “my parents never had a TV” or “we only had like 5 channels” card whenever possible to assure you they've been cultured since their youth, conveniently failing to mention that they loved the Ninja Turtles actions figures they weren’t allowed to buy and were extremely excited to spend the night with Phillip, cause that meant they could watch the Transformers movie on VHS.

If religion is the opiate of the masses then not owning a TV is the jenkem. Sure, it’s original and unique and saves you money. But in the end you’re pretentious, alone, and getting high from inhaling your own shit.

Peanut allergies

Yeah, it’s not their fault, they were made that way, it’s like being racist or homophobic, whatever. Black peoples’ genetic makeup doesn’t intrude on everyday life. Elementary schools are altering lunch menus and not allowing people to bring peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to school because of a few kids who are so allergic to peanuts that airborne pathogens can set off an attack. I understand equality and everything, and not wanting to discriminate against those that are different. But I think we are nearing the breaking point of that logic. At one point in human history, Spartans judged babies on their physical attributes and discarded those that were unfit for society. Now we are coddling to the extremely specific needs of people that God Himself is trying to poison?

Have anyone ever heard of Charles Darwin? This is a prime example of natural selection at work. If these genetic mutants keep surviving and breeding we are going to reach a point where a Super Soaker full of peanut oil becomes a lethal weapon.

If I’m unlucky enough to sire a child with one of these malformed immune systems, I’m going to buy an economy pack of epinephrine shots and wean him with incremental doses of Reese’s Pieces until he can enjoy a sack lunch without slapping George Washington Carver in the face. What kind of life is it if you can’t eat Chick-Fil-A nuggets, anyway?