Rafael Furcal Makes Me a Sad Panda

Please let us trade Yunel Escobar soon.

Braves Back in Bidness

ESPN LIED TO ME

After over decade of spoiling their fans with automatic playoff bids, the Ted Turner-less Atlanta Braves regressed mightily over the past two seasons, paving the way for hilarious Met collapses and a Philadelphia Phillies World Series win. The Atlanta pattern of trading away top prospects for veteran presence at the deadline finally got to them when the winning stopped, as a youth movement gone overboard resulted in lineups starring Martin Prado, Gregor Blanco and Casey Kotchmann as the heart of the order. With Chipper Jones and possibly John Smoltz as the only relics remaining for the decade and a half of extravagance, the Braves looked to be sliding into mediocrity. They may well still be, but at least some moves are being made to rectify the situation and react to the inexplicable fact that the Braves are suddenly the worst sports team in Georgia.

The off-season took a surprising turn today when Rafael Furcal reportedly agreed to a deal with the Braves, shunning rest of his suitors and condemning the Athletics to another year of Bobby Crosby hell. Coming on the heels of the Javier Vasquez deal and re-entering the Braves into the bizarre Jake Peavy derby, the Furcal signing could mean a great deal to a team that never seemed completely out of contention. He may love drunken driving, altered birth certificates and injuries, but Furcal is also one of the few legitimate lead-off men left in the game. He manages to combine both the speed and power of the coke-and-meth era and the patience and discipline of the Moneyball abomination that led to the lesser Giambi being considered a remotely acceptable lead-off hitter.

The Braves have been desperate for a table-setter since the Dodgers, in their off-season tradition, overpaid for a former Atlanta all-star and were met with disappointing returns. Marcus Giles was nothing short of disastrous, Kelly Johnson was a much better fit at the 2-hole, and the myriad of suspect outfield prospects never satisfied the lineup. Assuming he can stay healthy (just apply that to 90% of the Braves lineup at this point...sigh) Furcal provides a spark at the top of the order that could re-energize a sluggish offense.

Also important with this deal is the fate of Yunel Escobar. Along with Jeff Francouer, Kyle Davies, Chuck James and Jo-Jo Reyes, Escobar has anchored a core of miserable prospects whose hype and early returns failed to foreshadow a precipitous drop into obscurity. Yunel is the most curious of these, as his detrimental influence is less visible than Francouer's .275 on-base percentage and Jo-Jo's signature "straightball" pitch. Yunel received All-Star mumbling and was a constant fantasy sleeper despite the fact that he absolutely epitomizes empty-batting average. He hit .288 last year with 10 homers, a .402 slugging percentage and was 2 out of 7 on stolen base attempts. He had a good fielding percentage, which was undoubtedly aided by the fact that he has terrible range. Yunel is locked into to being a slightly above average player, a guy who can get you a .300 average, 15 homers, 5 steals and no big plays or defensive takeaways. The fact that he's a young switch-hitter with a high average gets him a lot of hype for a singles hitter with no range. His best-case scenario is a short fat Sean Casey. If you've followed baseball at all over the past decade, you know that no one is happy when Sean Casey is starting for them. Yunel's destiny is to be one of the great utility men in the game, not the star of team, as he's being pushed. With Furcal taking over short, the move everyone should be hoping for is a trade of Yunel and a package of prospects for Jake Peavy, a strikeout machine in the prime of his career, locked up to a reasonable deal for several years.

With the Mets foolishly buying into the fallacy that spending big money on bullpen is in any way a good idea, thus dooming themselves into another season of Johan, Maine, pray for rain, the Braves should only have one major competitor in the NL East. Are the Braves better than the Phillies even after a Peavy deal? No. But Frank Wren has money to spend and still may not be done making moves. With Hudson getting Tommy Johned and Smoltz and Glavine's futures uncertain, and a Maddux/Smoltz/Glavine reunion down the drain thanks to Maddux calling it quits, there are still a lot of questions. But, is the new season suddenly more exciting and interesting, with a potential Peavy/Vasquez/Jurrjens top of the rotation and a Furcal/Kelly/Chipper top of the order? Absolutely. And honestly, if he's not completely mortgaging our future, that's the job of the GM. On paper, the Braves could contend, something we could never have said two weeks ago.

Playoffs? Don't talk about playoffs!

Well, it's that time the season again, that wonderful time of the year when the greatest regular season in sports is all but invalidated by the most dizzying and illogical postseason ever conceived. That means it is also time for every columnist, beat writer, blogger and hammered guy who just started talking to you at the bar to unveil their "flawed but still an improvement, right?" solution to the soulless system of a bunch of arrogant coaches who watch less than 3% of the games choosing two teams to play in the National Championship.

Everyone has bitched, moaned and shaken their heads in disbelief enough over this issue already, but I gained a whole new perspective on the situation today when I tried to explain it to an 8-year-old who didn't understand why there weren't NCAA football playoffs. I carefully explained the bowl system, the extra time and money involved, and the BCS computers to him for around 7 minutes, at the end of which he looked at me with the upper-class suburban white 8-year-old version of the "what in the fuck" face. Yeah, kid, I know.

All these solution columns are great in theory, but then prove to be repetitive and boring as hell once the author actually delves into the "use the Cotton and CapitalOne Bowl for the first round and give the three-seed a bye so they can take exams and then do the regular BCS bowls plus-one at the Rose Bowl and take away a non-conference game and so on" technical jargon that takes way to long to comprehend for something that isn't gonna happen anyway. But you know what, I'm writing one, because BCS solution columns are like catnip to bored sports fans. So here's my solution to the BCS mess.

We obviously need a playoff. An 8-team playoff seems ideal to a lot of people, but lets be honest, if you are the seventh best team in the nation, you don't deserve a shot at the title. Plus, the most kneejerk, un-thought-out complaint about a playoff, that it would cheapen the regular season, actually holds a slight bit of merit in this one. It could open the door for a bad two-loss or three-loss team to get hot and lucky and play for a national championship, much like how the wild-card has provided us with some of the most uninteresting championships in pro sports in recent years (I'm looking at you, Pittsburgh Steelers).

Ideally, though, a 6-team playoff would be the way to go. This allows the #1 and #2 BCS teams to earn a bye while the teams with lesser claims to the throne beat the hell out of each other in the first round, giving them something for finishing the regular season at the top. Six allows for everyone with a relevant claim to get a shot at the title, because, honestly, if you are the seventh best team at the end of the season, you don't deserve a shot. Here's how the format works.

Four automatic bids go to the winners of the SEC, Big Twelve, Big Ten, and either the Pac-10 or ACC, depending on the record of the team that beat USC that year. If a .500 or better team beat them, Pac-10 gets the bid. Under-.500, ACC gets it. If a 6-6 team beats USC, then Matt Leinhart and Joey Hamilton have a drinking contest to decide the bid. The remaining two bids are at-large.

The Big East is never allowed to receive automatic bids. The Big East is no longer allowed to be considered a BCS Conference. The Big East is garbage.

Conferences without title games are not allowed first-round byes.

If Ohio State draws an SEC or Pac-10 team, the game counts as a bye and Ohio State is forced to play the best available non-BCS-conference team as an exhibition game. Ohio State must win 4 out of 5 of these games to get off BCS probation.

The Hiesman trophy winner must wear a gold jersey with "Heisman" on the back for the duration of the bowl season. Heisman trophy winners who blow national championship games (Jason White) or are outperformed by competitors (Reggie Bush vs. Vince Young) can be stripped of the trophy.

Notre Dame is allowed at-large bids on the condition that if they lose by more than 14 points an opposing linebacker can perform the wrestling move of his choice on the leprechaun and a randomly chosen fan is allowed to punch Charlie Weis in the gut. Both events will take place at midfield with Del Shannon's "Do You Wanna Dance" playing over the PA system.

The college football championship system may never be perfect, but with these guidelines in place, it should at least be as entertaining as watching Oklahoma get blown out as a single tear falls from Sam Bradford's weird face.

Cold Night

The cold dark crept in
carrying the wind

The sidewalk felt harder
without the sunlight to soften it

Each footstep rings out
full and throbbing

Beside houses and lawns
looming deeply, dark against dark

Across empty streets
Under emptying branches

Near the edge of isolation
Where clarity cloaks itself